Category: On Coping Skills…
Visualization
On Coping Skills…
Coping with emotions is a difficult thing to do. Especially if there is a significant intensity to the emotion. We start thinking and our thoughts are a reflection of this intense emotional state. Take for example the idea of being worried or anxious. Have you ever felt a bit of anxiety for public speaking? What about feeling nervous when you are about to get a test back ?
Yikes! We have so many events in our lives that can make us feel stressed!
We can quickly connect with having an emotional mindset and catch ourselves thinking about the “worst case” scenario. There is some value to that, and certainly all emotions have reasons why they exist. In the cases where we can recognize that our emotions and our thoughts are predominately worrisome and unhelpful, we can look to the other side of our mindsets for relief. This part of our minds is called the “logical” mind. The logical mindset is about facts and evidence, instead of the the worry thoughts we can now use probability and reasoning. One reason worry becomes too much or unhelpful is because we start apply irrational ideas to situations. As in catastrophizing, black-and-white thinking, jumping to the worst possible conclusion, or other things as in personalizing the situation as if this one bad thing will mean you are a bad person. These distortions of reality, whenever connecting with logic, do not end up making sense and are disproportionate to the reality of the situation.
It brings me back to a story of someone I worked with and she struggled with anxiety. She spoke one day about an upcoming performance review. She said “Kassie, I always get so worried about these reviews. It seems like all I can focus on is the negative and what they are going to say. I feel that they are going to criticize my work… I do not handle this well and even now thinking about it I can feel my heart starting to race, my hands are getting sweaty, and I have an urge not to go to work”. If this sounds like a situation you have been in, you are not alone, performance reviews are challenging! They seem to have a unique way of highlighting our own insecurities and vulnerabilities.
As we continued talking about the difficulties of feeling intensely worried, she was also able to connect with the value of that worry, and how it highlights the care and efforts she places into her work. Sometimes the things we work the hardest at, are also the same things that are most difficult to hear criticism from. She explored the emotional side and recognized her emotions and how intense they become. Then she was able to connect with the facts that support her doing well at her position, and was asked to put a percentage onto the compliments versus the areas of improvement. She was surprised, because she found that 95% was positive feedback, and that the rest was either neutral or constructive. In looking back it may seem simple, and most things are simple, but not easy. It was simple to identify the facts, and to accept and support those facts was less challenging because it was a more realistic picture of the situation, instead of an emotional one. Emotions can be powerful enough to conceal the reasonable facts of situations.
After she had made connection with the logical mindset and the influence of emotions, she then asked how she could handle the review time more appropriately and with balance. This was a great opportunity to talk about visualization.
Visualization creates a space where you imagine the event in a certain negative light before that outcome actually exist. There is a difference between worrying and planning for a potential outcome that doesn’t feel so good. Visualization helps connect with reason, accountability as well as probability of the vents actually occurring. Using visualization can be an effective strategy. Use it when you are calm, try to place yourself in the emotional discomfort and how you would see yourself acting poorly in response to the review. But don’t end there! When you explore the ‘not so good part’ become intentional about visualizing the ‘absolute best way of handling it’, visualize your emotions coming and how you wish you would respond. Visualize the acceptance and prepare for the event having both good and not so good information to it. Allow yourself the space to visualize strategies to be calm in the face of worry, and provide yourself the space that this option can exist too.
The client had a session the week after, and she said “Kassie, it didn’t turn out the best like I imagined, BUT it also wasn’t the worst and I felt better and more prepared to handle myself, i was proud!” — is that not success too?
Opposite Emotions
On emotions & coping skills…
Opposite Emotion in practice for others helping others
Has there ever been a time when you came across someone who was angry? I am going to bet, yes, absolutely. Have you ever found your own emotions becoming difficult when faced with someone else being angry? Probably. Finding the right way to field this emotion can be difficult. Here is a thought to help:
Sometimes confronting anger with anger only creates more anger. Confronting anger with compassion and empathy creates vulnerability and authenticity for the focus person. Remember to focus and to have focus. It is not about how you feel about the situation, it is about how the person feels about the person.
Let us sit beside each other instead of in front.
I think back on my time working as a clinician in a residential treatment facility for children. This facility was a temporary home to many and had all the necessities your home would, less the 3″ thick plexiglass. A situation happened in the cafeteria to which a family visitation day did not go quite as planned!
Parents had been sitting eating lunch with their children, when a particular set of parents started antagonizing a group of kids who were also eating with their parents. This isn’t a typo, the parents had begun the conflict though the children were in treatment. A particular teen became very quick to anger. One thing led to another and there was a “brawl” ! At the center of this, was a teen who over and over again found herself in many other critical situations similar to this moment of verbal and physical aggression. Even on this particular day she was in several disputes prior to this one. Over and over the course of treatment the teen continued to express motivation to cease poor decisions and have acknowledgement of alternative options. Instead of de-escalating situations this teen was known for instigating disputes, then wanting change after. A viscous cycle to be a part of. To make situations worse in this brawl, there was a four year old sibling visiting as well, and this situations quickly became high risk for that kiddo too. No one really got hurt. Thank goodness. With quick acting team members, and other residents coming to aid and protect (especially the younger kids and the 4 year old), the worst outcome was some ripped clothing and minor bumps and bruises. In focusing on this particular teen who continued to be involved in many disputes during this same day. She acted on her emotions and took little accountability for the impact she had on others. As this clients therapist, and in fact, the therapist for all of the other parties involved as well (go me, right!), I had a perspective on this.
If people think therapist don’t get angry about events, well, let me tell you I was livid! Knowing the ability of these individuals to identify boundaries only made me think that they were self-serving and clearly and intentionally violated the boundaries of our program and their own firmly set values—I started thinking about the four year old. These teens were Rockstar’s in group, their insight was great, and they had a goodness to them despite challenges they had faced. I became quick to anger. What am I going to say to this kid, how can I be therapeutic to the totality of the situation?… tough internal questions… as I was walking back to the unit to talk, I stopped, took deep breathes, and attempted to push the feeling of anger aside.
The kiddo was sitting in the dark, wrapped in a blanket, hair a mess, and a flat expression on her face. If ears could actually show steam, she had steam puffing from both ears. She sat with anger resonating and pulsating around her. I reminded myself of my own anger just moments before, and take another deep breath for good measure. I moved slowly, and I sat in front of her, lowered myself to a chair to be mindful not to stand over her. Hey, I’m trying here! Anger still is present, exhaustion too (its been a long day of putting out fires). I look at her, she makes eye contact with me. I say something so profound, so deep, so insightful—“are we sick and tired of being sick and tired yet?” She looks at me, tears fill her eyes but don’t fall to her cheek. She has pride. Her lips are held tight as if she is committed to not exposing her cards. yet there is a slight tremble, nearly unnoticeable. POOF! My anger is gone so profoundly that it never existed. She said “I can’t do this, I don’t deserve to be alive!” the thought “do no harm” crossed my mind, the anger I felt in myself was already far gone and I remember feeling compassion. I said “this was a tough situation” and I gave her a hug. Now, I am not a hugger, never been known to be, and if you see me doing it and call me out, I will deny having done it! Yet, there are times when we have to remember our focus. It is not about how we feel about someone it is about how that someone feels about themselves. How do we, even in challenge and emotion, provide the space for someone to get to their personal ownership, personal vulnerability, and allow them space for personal growth…
When that hug occurred, the tears that she refused to let fall on her cheeks poured from her eyes, she spoke about power and the loss of hers, she spoke about challenge and she spoke about her internal struggles, she spoke about desire for difference and conflict within her own mind. I sat beside her and listened, validated the difficulty, and, then, let her be. –yes later we spoke about accountability and windows of opportunity to be the change and capitalize on situations, but in moments of emotion, logic and reason could not compete with compassion and empathy.
The Coping Skill of “Time”
On Coping Skills…
“time heals all wounds”
“only time can tell”
“things will look different in the morning”
All the quotes about time, how come? Maybe there is something to it?
One thing that is sometimes overlooked with discussions of coping skills is the impact of time. Whenever someone is extremely emotional things may seem like that emotion will be present forever. People may start saying “this will never go away” or “I will always have these problems”. Clinicians, myself included, encourage skills like ‘distract’ techniques in order to occupy the mind in other ways when feeling this significant emotional intensity. At times clients may engage in other problematic, but immediately gratifying coping mechanisms such as ‘cutting’; the problem with this is that in an effort to feel better in that moment, one creates more complex emotions in the future. Also, it is no surprise, that that type of coping skill (cutting) does not actually resolve the issue. So why skills like ‘distract’? The key is, time! The fact of the matter is emotions, no matter how intense and detrimental or how joyous, do not last forever. They come and go. Allowing recognition of this fact is important when feeling extremely intense about a situation. So next time you are feeling intense, take a moment and feel that emotion, whatever it is, don’t judge it, just recognize the existence of it and wait. Distract yourself, experience yourself, and know that it will pass.
Have a comment? Want to share your take? Please take a moment and tell me what your thoughts are…
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