Author: janustherapy

Once upon a time

On By janustherapyIn On Emotions...Leave a comment

Once upon a time there was a old man who sat on a park bench and he looked angry… he came to this park often, and each time carried anger–crossing his arms, scowl on his face, puffing and huffing every now and then. Each time someone passed the bench they would take recognition of this anger, and they would not approach him, had distance with him, and avoided him. Anger does that sometimes, causes more space in between people….

One day a kid passed by the bench, this kid was familiar with the park and played in the park often. He saw the old man many on the bench and realized that he was not carrying the same scowl he had before, he seemed to have a smirk on his face. His hands were comfortably placed by his sides instead of in the crossed-armed manner they usually were in. The kid went passed this man, looked at him, and then did a double-take in surprise. He noticed this about the old angry man, and then decided to speak to him… “excuse me sir” the boy said… “I notice you in the park sometimes, and I often see you so angry… today it is different and I wanted to see what was going on?” … the old man sat quietly for a second and then responded “today is different, today I am happy”. The boy was curious once more and asked him why he felt this way, to which the old man said ” for years I chased happiness, trying to find it and have it, it did not work. Each time I felt so unhappy with the recognition that happiness wasn’t there. I decided I was tired of trying to be happy, and the most amazing thing happened. When I let go of the chase for happiness, I woke up and recognized that I am the most happy I have been”….

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

(classic moral story)

Visualization

On By janustherapyIn On Coping Skills...Leave a comment

On Coping Skills…

Coping with emotions is a difficult thing to do. Especially if there is a significant intensity to the emotion. We start thinking and our thoughts are a reflection of this intense emotional state. Take for example the idea of being worried or anxious. Have you ever felt a bit of anxiety for public speaking? What about feeling nervous when you are about to get a test back ?

Yikes! We have so many events in our lives that can make us feel stressed!

We can quickly connect with having an emotional mindset and catch ourselves thinking about the “worst case” scenario. There is some value to that, and certainly all emotions have reasons why they exist. In the cases where we can recognize that our emotions and our thoughts are predominately worrisome and unhelpful, we can look to the other side of our mindsets for relief. This part of our minds is called the “logical” mind. The logical mindset is about facts and evidence, instead of the the worry thoughts we can now use probability and reasoning. One reason worry becomes too much or unhelpful is because we start apply irrational ideas to situations. As in catastrophizing, black-and-white thinking, jumping to the worst possible conclusion, or other things as in personalizing the situation as if this one bad thing will mean you are a bad person. These distortions of reality, whenever connecting with logic, do not end up making sense and are disproportionate to the reality of the situation.

It brings me back to a story of someone I worked with and she struggled with anxiety. She spoke one day about an upcoming performance review. She said “Kassie, I always get so worried about these reviews. It seems like all I can focus on is the negative and what they are going to say. I feel that they are going to criticize my work… I do not handle this well and even now thinking about it I can feel my heart starting to race, my hands are getting sweaty, and I have an urge not to go to work”. If this sounds like a situation you have been in, you are not alone, performance reviews are challenging! They seem to have a unique way of highlighting our own insecurities and vulnerabilities.

As we continued talking about the difficulties of feeling intensely worried, she was also able to connect with the value of that worry, and how it highlights the care and efforts she places into her work. Sometimes the things we work the hardest at, are also the same things that are most difficult to hear criticism from. She explored the emotional side and recognized her emotions and how intense they become. Then she was able to connect with the facts that support her doing well at her position, and was asked to put a percentage onto the compliments versus the areas of improvement. She was surprised, because she found that 95% was positive feedback, and that the rest was either neutral or constructive. In looking back it may seem simple, and most things are simple, but not easy. It was simple to identify the facts, and to accept and support those facts was less challenging because it was a more realistic picture of the situation, instead of an emotional one. Emotions can be powerful enough to conceal the reasonable facts of situations.

After she had made connection with the logical mindset and the influence of emotions, she then asked how she could handle the review time more appropriately and with balance. This was a great opportunity to talk about visualization.

Visualization creates a space where you imagine the event in a certain negative light before that outcome actually exist. There is a difference between worrying and planning for a potential outcome that doesn’t feel so good. Visualization helps connect with reason, accountability as well as probability of the vents actually occurring. Using visualization can be an effective strategy. Use it when you are calm, try to place yourself in the emotional discomfort and how you would see yourself acting poorly in response to the review. But don’t end there! When you explore the ‘not so good part’ become intentional about visualizing the ‘absolute best way of handling it’, visualize your emotions coming and how you wish you would respond. Visualize the acceptance and prepare for the event having both good and not so good information to it. Allow yourself the space to visualize strategies to be calm in the face of worry, and provide yourself the space that this option can exist too.

The client had a session the week after, and she said “Kassie, it didn’t turn out the best like I imagined, BUT it also wasn’t the worst and I felt better and more prepared to handle myself, i was proud!” — is that not success too?

Opposite Emotions

On By janustherapyIn On Coping Skills..., On Emotions...Leave a comment

On emotions & coping skills…

Opposite Emotion in practice for others helping others

Has there ever been a time when you came across someone who was angry? I am going to bet, yes, absolutely. Have you ever found your own emotions becoming difficult when faced with someone else being angry? Probably. Finding the right way to field this emotion can be difficult. Here is a thought to help:

Sometimes confronting anger with anger only creates more anger. Confronting anger with compassion and empathy creates vulnerability and authenticity for the focus person.  Remember to focus and to have focus. It is not about how you feel about the situation, it is about how the person feels about the person.

Let us sit beside each other instead of in front.

I think back on my time working as a clinician in a residential treatment facility for children. This facility was a temporary home to many and had all the necessities your home would, less the 3″ thick plexiglass. A situation happened in the cafeteria to which a family visitation day did not go quite as planned!

Parents had been sitting eating lunch with their children, when a particular set of parents started antagonizing a group of kids who were also eating with their parents. This isn’t a typo, the parents had begun the conflict though the children were in treatment. A particular teen became very quick to anger. One thing led to another and there was a “brawl” ! At the center of this, was a teen who over and over again found herself in many other critical situations similar to this moment of verbal and physical aggression. Even on this particular day she was in several disputes prior to this one. Over and over the course of treatment the teen continued to express motivation to cease poor decisions and have acknowledgement of alternative options. Instead of de-escalating situations this teen was known for instigating disputes, then wanting change after. A viscous cycle to be a part of. To make situations worse in this brawl, there was a four year old sibling visiting as well, and this situations quickly became high risk for that kiddo too. No one really got hurt. Thank goodness. With quick acting team members, and other residents coming to aid and protect (especially the younger kids and the 4 year old), the worst outcome was some ripped clothing and minor bumps and bruises. In focusing on this particular teen who continued to be involved in many disputes during this same day. She acted on her emotions and took little accountability for the impact she had on others. As this clients therapist, and in fact, the therapist for all of the other parties involved as well (go me, right!), I  had a perspective on this.

If people think therapist don’t get angry about events, well, let me tell you I was livid! Knowing the ability of these individuals to identify boundaries only made me think that they were self-serving and clearly and intentionally violated the boundaries of our program and their own firmly set values—I started thinking about the four year old. These teens were Rockstar’s in group, their insight was great, and they had a goodness to them despite challenges they had faced. I became quick to anger. What am I going to say to this kid, how can I be therapeutic to the totality of the situation?… tough internal questions… as I was walking back to the unit to talk, I stopped, took deep breathes, and attempted to push the feeling of anger aside. 

The kiddo was sitting in the dark, wrapped in a blanket, hair a mess, and a flat expression on her face. If ears could actually show steam, she had steam puffing from both ears. She sat with anger resonating and pulsating around her. I reminded myself of my own anger just moments before, and take another deep breath for good measure. I moved slowly, and I sat in front of her, lowered myself to a chair to be mindful not to stand over her. Hey, I’m trying here! Anger still is present, exhaustion too (its been a long day of putting out fires). I look at her, she makes eye contact with me. I say something so profound, so deep, so insightful—“are we sick and tired of being sick and tired yet?” She looks at me, tears fill her eyes but don’t fall to her cheek. She has pride. Her lips are held tight as if she is committed to not exposing her cards. yet there is a slight tremble, nearly unnoticeable. POOF! My anger is gone so profoundly that it never existed. She said “I can’t do this, I don’t deserve to be alive!” the thought “do no harm” crossed my mind, the anger I felt in myself was already far gone and I remember feeling compassion. I said “this was a tough situation” and I gave her a hug. Now, I am not a hugger, never been known to be, and if you see me doing it and call me out, I will deny having done it!  Yet, there are times when we have to remember our focus. It is not about how we feel about someone it is about how that someone feels about themselves. How do we, even in challenge and emotion, provide the space for someone to get to their personal ownership, personal vulnerability, and allow them space for personal growth…

When that hug occurred,  the tears that she refused to let fall on her cheeks poured from her eyes, she spoke about power and the loss of hers, she spoke about challenge and she spoke about her internal struggles, she spoke about desire for difference and conflict within her own mind.  I sat beside her and listened, validated the difficulty, and, then, let her be. –yes later we spoke about accountability and windows of opportunity to be the change and capitalize on situations, but in moments of emotion, logic and reason could not compete with compassion and empathy.

On emotions…

On By janustherapyIn On Emotions...Leave a comment

Have you ever heard emotions to be good or bad?

Sometimes I wonder what this label really means and what message it is sending to us…. for example, if you felt sad, is sad a bad emotion? What about guilty is feeling guilty a bad thing? Emotions serve us in some way; they can help us communicate with ourselves, help us communicate with others and help us survive. Makes me wonder if there is a better way to describe the emotional expenses that removes some of the labels and/or judgments we make about the emotion.

Some have referred the the array of emotions as ‘light’ or ‘dark’. This seems like it can be more inclusive to describe the emotion. Dark emotions are those emotions that have a link to being ‘bad’. They are very challenging emotions to deal with. Feeling these darker emotions is normal and by allowing yourself to feel them, you can understand them better and rise above, move past the experience of the dark emotions and also enjoy the ability to manage emotions in healthier, more effective ways. There is a type of energy that comes from having these very intense, almost painful types of emotions, it does send an energy that you might feel more alive, more aware of you being in reality. That rush can be very appealing to a lot of people because at times they might be disconnected from their world. I may give the example of someone who loves suspense movies, the person who is a bit of a daredevil. or even reality TV.

Reality can feel unreal at times and intense emotions can make us mindful that we are here. However, there are parts of feeling intense emotions that make us doubt our ability to handle ourselves. You may feel you’re not able to move past it, that if you were able to really allow yourself to feel that emotion you would not survive. There’s a lot of fear that can come with the emotion that you feel. As if you’re not strong enough. If we do not face these dark emotions and allow ourselves to expience them, we put the emotion on a pedestal. Cutting off the intensity of the emotion. Though just because we do not want to feel it, does not mean it won’t exist. When you do cut that emotion off, you may not know when it passes. You may even go to some extremely unhelpful ways to derail the emotion.

Has there ever been a time when you had an intense emotion, maybe a time that you cried uncontrollably? I sometimes ask this in therapy, and often times I get a quizzical look in return or a little head tilt that says “well yeah, obviously!” Then I ask “how come you’re still not crying?” which cues another odd look… This helps give just a little more insight into how intense emotions can be, and yet even the most intense emotions pass, particularly when you allow yourself the process of feeling them.

Reflecting on intense emotions, we may be able to recall the unhelpful thoughts provoked by the emotion. Sometimes we may think ” this is going to last forever”, “I will never be happy again”, “I can’t handle this”, etc. and yet when people do move forward and the wave of the emotion has passed, they can see that that intensity was relieved. They may even process the purpose of that darker emotion.

Dark emotions can be difficult, but so can the idea of light emotions. Light emotions can be tricky because they feel good. Like the idea of being happy doesn’t sound so bad, right? Though sometimes people may find themselves in this position of “happy” and feel odd, out of place, or that it won’t last. It could be difficult for some who have set the norm of having ‘darker emotions’ or those who find dramatic situations common place, to accept ‘happy’. Feeling happiness and feeling these other light emotions are quite uncomfortable for some, and that can lead to wanting to revert to more familiar ways of being.

Feeling emotions is imperative, and a balance of being comfortable with dark emotions and light emotions can be difficult to find. We have to learn how to be comfortable with all emotions, instead of setting them on a pedestal.

Windows of Attention

On By janustherapyIn On Parenting...Leave a comment

On Parenting…

Parenting is the hardest job in the world. We often wonder if we are doing it right, or why there aren’t user manuals for these little humans we are responsible for. There are moments when we can feel overwhelmed and our attention can be divided in so many different directions. We as parents can feel guilty for this division. Somehow we have to find the balance. Providing small windows can help create bonds. This is the concept of giving your full undivided attention at small opportunities throughout the day. This needs to be intentional. When we do things with intention the results can be very beneficial. Kids need some attention throughout the day and if that attention is never fully theirs, they can have behavioral outbursts. The truth is we are unable to give full attention all of the time, but we can give full attention in small moments. Children really want to feel undivided attention from their parents which allows for connection and bonding. So put your phone down, put your book down, put everything down, and try to clear your mind. Be aware and pay attention to how you are providing that undivided, one-on-one connection with your child. This can be very valuable for young children, for toddler‘s, for infants even, for teenagers. So I urge you take the windows of opportunity and allow yourself to clear everything off your plate, and give short periods of time to your child with undivided and uninterrupted attention. This should not be very long but it should happen.

Are you looking for a specific time that this could be valuable? How about at the dinner table? Try placing structure around these windows. For example, while eating dinner put the cell phones down, be in the present moment, and provide conversation starters, or make observations about your kids while eating (e.g. Susie, i noticed that you dressed up more for school today, you looked nice).

Another opportunity of time, how about bath time for toddlers? Or try reading a book to kids at bedtime? What about the teenager, who just before winding down for bed you sit with them, allowing yourself to be available and present for them in whatever he/she is doing?

Got more ideas? Have you had successes in finding windows of time? Please share your comments with other members.

The Coping Skill of “Time”

On By janustherapyIn On Coping Skills...Leave a comment

On Coping Skills…

“time heals all wounds”

“only time can tell”

“things will look different in the morning”

All the quotes about time, how come? Maybe there is something to it?

One thing that is sometimes overlooked with discussions of coping skills is the impact of time. Whenever someone is extremely emotional things may seem like that emotion will be present forever. People may start saying “this will never go away” or “I will always have these problems”. Clinicians, myself included, encourage skills like ‘distract’ techniques in order to occupy the mind in other ways when feeling this significant emotional intensity. At times clients may engage in other problematic, but immediately gratifying coping mechanisms such as ‘cutting’; the problem with this is that in an effort to feel better in that moment, one creates more complex emotions in the future. Also, it is no surprise, that that type of coping skill (cutting) does not actually resolve the issue. So why skills like ‘distract’? The key is, time! The fact of the matter is emotions, no matter how intense and detrimental or how joyous, do not last forever. They come and go. Allowing recognition of this fact is important when feeling extremely intense about a situation. So next time you are feeling intense, take a moment and feel that emotion, whatever it is, don’t judge it, just recognize the existence of it and wait. Distract yourself, experience yourself, and know that it will pass.

Have a comment? Want to share your take? Please take a moment and tell me what your thoughts are…

Responding can be Trained

On By janustherapyIn On Communication...Leave a comment

On Communication….

Sometimes you cannot predict how people will talk or what they may say. You can respond differently to encourage a more peaceful outcome..

I remember back when I worked at a residential facility for children. I walked the corridors often to provide a presence and support to the kids going through a tough time. I get to one particular corridor where a young teen stops me. The kid is struggling with being oppositional, her emotions are intense at times and angry. She is ‘gamey’, meaning acting in a way that seeks particular attention and not following the expectations of her program out of defiance, giggling as she makes the workday difficult for the nurses just on the other side of a 3″ glassed window, that does nothing to block the sound of her shrills and pointed comments. She’s been at this game for a while, standing around this particular spot for the majority of the day. The child and I connect with eye contact, and she says “they don’t ever listen to me”. The child holds out her hand, and reveals to me a tiny screw. The kid smiles and says “look what I have!” as she quickly closes her hand and tucks it away behind her back. My response is simple, calm and direct, “please give me the screw.” The child responds “okay but I want to cut myself first”.

Sometimes I ask myself how would others react to this. What would they say, would their jaw drop open at the thought? Would they start frantically trying to get the object? I knew this child quite well and the child knew me, saw me walk the corridors daily, knew that I was compassionate yet “didn’t mess around” as some of the residences would share with me these rumors. I said to the kiddo, “in what world would I allow that to happen?” Child looks defeated and says, “(huff) fine, then just let me try to pick the lock (smirk)…” my face must have said the answer and the screw was given to me immediately and without trouble…

If you found yourself chuckling, so did we when I told my colleagues. The thing is, yes, it is serious issue that the facility often had to experience. It has many complex layers for this child, at the same time when we think of how providers cope day in and day out with handling complex cognitive behavioral issues–you can see that it is sometimes little moments that we can make the atmosphere lighter or defuse tension. The story mentioned above ended with a good conversation about manipulation and how it can possibly feed into making relationships worse or setting ourselves up for unbearable emotional experiences. Responding means you have the ability to recognize what may be an underneath the surface and use those clues to guide choice.

Have an example of responding to a difficult situation which had a good outcome? Please write a comment or post a story below