On Coping Skills…

Coping with emotions is a difficult thing to do. Especially if there is a significant intensity to the emotion. We start thinking and our thoughts are a reflection of this intense emotional state. Take for example the idea of being worried or anxious. Have you ever felt a bit of anxiety for public speaking? What about feeling nervous when you are about to get a test back ?

Yikes! We have so many events in our lives that can make us feel stressed!

We can quickly connect with having an emotional mindset and catch ourselves thinking about the “worst case” scenario. There is some value to that, and certainly all emotions have reasons why they exist. In the cases where we can recognize that our emotions and our thoughts are predominately worrisome and unhelpful, we can look to the other side of our mindsets for relief. This part of our minds is called the “logical” mind. The logical mindset is about facts and evidence, instead of the the worry thoughts we can now use probability and reasoning. One reason worry becomes too much or unhelpful is because we start apply irrational ideas to situations. As in catastrophizing, black-and-white thinking, jumping to the worst possible conclusion, or other things as in personalizing the situation as if this one bad thing will mean you are a bad person. These distortions of reality, whenever connecting with logic, do not end up making sense and are disproportionate to the reality of the situation.

It brings me back to a story of someone I worked with and she struggled with anxiety. She spoke one day about an upcoming performance review. She said “Kassie, I always get so worried about these reviews. It seems like all I can focus on is the negative and what they are going to say. I feel that they are going to criticize my work… I do not handle this well and even now thinking about it I can feel my heart starting to race, my hands are getting sweaty, and I have an urge not to go to work”. If this sounds like a situation you have been in, you are not alone, performance reviews are challenging! They seem to have a unique way of highlighting our own insecurities and vulnerabilities.

As we continued talking about the difficulties of feeling intensely worried, she was also able to connect with the value of that worry, and how it highlights the care and efforts she places into her work. Sometimes the things we work the hardest at, are also the same things that are most difficult to hear criticism from. She explored the emotional side and recognized her emotions and how intense they become. Then she was able to connect with the facts that support her doing well at her position, and was asked to put a percentage onto the compliments versus the areas of improvement. She was surprised, because she found that 95% was positive feedback, and that the rest was either neutral or constructive. In looking back it may seem simple, and most things are simple, but not easy. It was simple to identify the facts, and to accept and support those facts was less challenging because it was a more realistic picture of the situation, instead of an emotional one. Emotions can be powerful enough to conceal the reasonable facts of situations.

After she had made connection with the logical mindset and the influence of emotions, she then asked how she could handle the review time more appropriately and with balance. This was a great opportunity to talk about visualization.

Visualization creates a space where you imagine the event in a certain negative light before that outcome actually exist. There is a difference between worrying and planning for a potential outcome that doesn’t feel so good. Visualization helps connect with reason, accountability as well as probability of the vents actually occurring. Using visualization can be an effective strategy. Use it when you are calm, try to place yourself in the emotional discomfort and how you would see yourself acting poorly in response to the review. But don’t end there! When you explore the ‘not so good part’ become intentional about visualizing the ‘absolute best way of handling it’, visualize your emotions coming and how you wish you would respond. Visualize the acceptance and prepare for the event having both good and not so good information to it. Allow yourself the space to visualize strategies to be calm in the face of worry, and provide yourself the space that this option can exist too.

The client had a session the week after, and she said “Kassie, it didn’t turn out the best like I imagined, BUT it also wasn’t the worst and I felt better and more prepared to handle myself, i was proud!” — is that not success too?