On emotions & coping skills…

Opposite Emotion in practice for others helping others

Has there ever been a time when you came across someone who was angry? I am going to bet, yes, absolutely. Have you ever found your own emotions becoming difficult when faced with someone else being angry? Probably. Finding the right way to field this emotion can be difficult. Here is a thought to help:

Sometimes confronting anger with anger only creates more anger. Confronting anger with compassion and empathy creates vulnerability and authenticity for the focus person.  Remember to focus and to have focus. It is not about how you feel about the situation, it is about how the person feels about the person.

Let us sit beside each other instead of in front.

I think back on my time working as a clinician in a residential treatment facility for children. This facility was a temporary home to many and had all the necessities your home would, less the 3″ thick plexiglass. A situation happened in the cafeteria to which a family visitation day did not go quite as planned!

Parents had been sitting eating lunch with their children, when a particular set of parents started antagonizing a group of kids who were also eating with their parents. This isn’t a typo, the parents had begun the conflict though the children were in treatment. A particular teen became very quick to anger. One thing led to another and there was a “brawl” ! At the center of this, was a teen who over and over again found herself in many other critical situations similar to this moment of verbal and physical aggression. Even on this particular day she was in several disputes prior to this one. Over and over the course of treatment the teen continued to express motivation to cease poor decisions and have acknowledgement of alternative options. Instead of de-escalating situations this teen was known for instigating disputes, then wanting change after. A viscous cycle to be a part of. To make situations worse in this brawl, there was a four year old sibling visiting as well, and this situations quickly became high risk for that kiddo too. No one really got hurt. Thank goodness. With quick acting team members, and other residents coming to aid and protect (especially the younger kids and the 4 year old), the worst outcome was some ripped clothing and minor bumps and bruises. In focusing on this particular teen who continued to be involved in many disputes during this same day. She acted on her emotions and took little accountability for the impact she had on others. As this clients therapist, and in fact, the therapist for all of the other parties involved as well (go me, right!), I  had a perspective on this.

If people think therapist don’t get angry about events, well, let me tell you I was livid! Knowing the ability of these individuals to identify boundaries only made me think that they were self-serving and clearly and intentionally violated the boundaries of our program and their own firmly set values—I started thinking about the four year old. These teens were Rockstar’s in group, their insight was great, and they had a goodness to them despite challenges they had faced. I became quick to anger. What am I going to say to this kid, how can I be therapeutic to the totality of the situation?… tough internal questions… as I was walking back to the unit to talk, I stopped, took deep breathes, and attempted to push the feeling of anger aside. 

The kiddo was sitting in the dark, wrapped in a blanket, hair a mess, and a flat expression on her face. If ears could actually show steam, she had steam puffing from both ears. She sat with anger resonating and pulsating around her. I reminded myself of my own anger just moments before, and take another deep breath for good measure. I moved slowly, and I sat in front of her, lowered myself to a chair to be mindful not to stand over her. Hey, I’m trying here! Anger still is present, exhaustion too (its been a long day of putting out fires). I look at her, she makes eye contact with me. I say something so profound, so deep, so insightful—“are we sick and tired of being sick and tired yet?” She looks at me, tears fill her eyes but don’t fall to her cheek. She has pride. Her lips are held tight as if she is committed to not exposing her cards. yet there is a slight tremble, nearly unnoticeable. POOF! My anger is gone so profoundly that it never existed. She said “I can’t do this, I don’t deserve to be alive!” the thought “do no harm” crossed my mind, the anger I felt in myself was already far gone and I remember feeling compassion. I said “this was a tough situation” and I gave her a hug. Now, I am not a hugger, never been known to be, and if you see me doing it and call me out, I will deny having done it!  Yet, there are times when we have to remember our focus. It is not about how we feel about someone it is about how that someone feels about themselves. How do we, even in challenge and emotion, provide the space for someone to get to their personal ownership, personal vulnerability, and allow them space for personal growth…

When that hug occurred,  the tears that she refused to let fall on her cheeks poured from her eyes, she spoke about power and the loss of hers, she spoke about challenge and she spoke about her internal struggles, she spoke about desire for difference and conflict within her own mind.  I sat beside her and listened, validated the difficulty, and, then, let her be. –yes later we spoke about accountability and windows of opportunity to be the change and capitalize on situations, but in moments of emotion, logic and reason could not compete with compassion and empathy.