On Communication….

Sometimes you cannot predict how people will talk or what they may say. You can respond differently to encourage a more peaceful outcome..

I remember back when I worked at a residential facility for children. I walked the corridors often to provide a presence and support to the kids going through a tough time. I get to one particular corridor where a young teen stops me. The kid is struggling with being oppositional, her emotions are intense at times and angry. She is ‘gamey’, meaning acting in a way that seeks particular attention and not following the expectations of her program out of defiance, giggling as she makes the workday difficult for the nurses just on the other side of a 3″ glassed window, that does nothing to block the sound of her shrills and pointed comments. She’s been at this game for a while, standing around this particular spot for the majority of the day. The child and I connect with eye contact, and she says “they don’t ever listen to me”. The child holds out her hand, and reveals to me a tiny screw. The kid smiles and says “look what I have!” as she quickly closes her hand and tucks it away behind her back. My response is simple, calm and direct, “please give me the screw.” The child responds “okay but I want to cut myself first”.

Sometimes I ask myself how would others react to this. What would they say, would their jaw drop open at the thought? Would they start frantically trying to get the object? I knew this child quite well and the child knew me, saw me walk the corridors daily, knew that I was compassionate yet “didn’t mess around” as some of the residences would share with me these rumors. I said to the kiddo, “in what world would I allow that to happen?” Child looks defeated and says, “(huff) fine, then just let me try to pick the lock (smirk)…” my face must have said the answer and the screw was given to me immediately and without trouble…

If you found yourself chuckling, so did we when I told my colleagues. The thing is, yes, it is serious issue that the facility often had to experience. It has many complex layers for this child, at the same time when we think of how providers cope day in and day out with handling complex cognitive behavioral issues–you can see that it is sometimes little moments that we can make the atmosphere lighter or defuse tension. The story mentioned above ended with a good conversation about manipulation and how it can possibly feed into making relationships worse or setting ourselves up for unbearable emotional experiences. Responding means you have the ability to recognize what may be an underneath the surface and use those clues to guide choice.

Have an example of responding to a difficult situation which had a good outcome? Please write a comment or post a story below